Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.