Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
You Might Also Like
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I don’t get marriage
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.