Roses are red, you always mattered,
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Happy Febuary everyone!
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]