Roses are red, you always mattered,
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher