Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”