Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day