Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.