Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”