Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

wtf

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.