Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother