Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

ㅤ

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.