Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I wish this was real life…
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.