Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way