Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*