Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.