Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
🙂🐾
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??