roses are red
i fall when i skate
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
no
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
RT if you could go either way.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
new shirt idea
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?