roses are red
i fall when i skate
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent