Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.