roses are red
i fall when i skate
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Perfect
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If only
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life