Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

🙄😏😂🤣

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.