roses are red
i fall when i skate
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Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My five year plan is a meteorite
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?