Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.