Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.