Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT