Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

If you know, you know

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

men, we mow at sunrise.