Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!