people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them