Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

awkward

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Hell yeah 👍

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it