I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
*bites zombie*
The best plant holders?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
馃幍 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 馃幍
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn鈥檛 have a comma named after it.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I鈥檓 keto now
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I鈥檇 forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There鈥檚 only water animals there
2: Cows!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.