Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”