Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?