Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that would 100% work on me

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.