Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I have taken up painting
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine