Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure