Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.