Roses are red
Violets are blue
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Friday
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler