Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
![]()
![]()
![]()
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
You better watch out
![]()
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!