Roses are red
Violets are blue
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.