Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.
You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.