Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”


“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”


Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.


Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.


A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.


Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.


I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.


My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.