Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.