@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

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@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@DanLaMorte

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@ClichedOut

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

@roxiqt

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

@RobDenBleyker

I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.

@JimHeskett

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.