Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!