Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me as a therapist: omg same
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies