Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Oh yeh? Explain this then

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training