Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster