Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”