Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

So true for me

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Pringles

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.