Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
