Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
You Might Also Like
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.