Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?