Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Nothing.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.