Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.