Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we did it you guys we saved daylight

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Brands during Pride

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Ken is short for chicken

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

At least try to make it slightly believable

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny