Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Most Common Source of Electricity
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]