Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
tfw you realize …
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶