Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
the three branches of government
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE