Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

This is amazing.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*