Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.