Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.