Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.