Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.