roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Who called it baking and not making love
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.