roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
There’s only one good girl here!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Sell your car
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.