Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

All right then, keep your secrets

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”