Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Thoughts
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂