Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-