“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.
“Wow,” she says.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.