@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

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@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@TheLOLYBible

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26

@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@BlindChow

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

@RobbyActually

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

@TheTweetOfGod

My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe

@meghaffer

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

@LostFelicia

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

@xLiserx

Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.