Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I can’t stop watching this.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?