Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

…u ok Nintendo?

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”