Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

good work, detective

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

A decision was made here.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?