Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.