Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Swedish for common sense.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
don’t we all
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!