Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.