Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”