The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
this country is so goddamn polarized
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Venn
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child