Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Dammit Chief not again

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

my favorite genre of twitter

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”