Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

I’d love this…lol

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.