roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.![]()
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.