Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

You wish you had this many chins.