roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Lol.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun