roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?