Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table