Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it